What to do when you are about to get divorced:
- Get a wild animal; not a dog, not a cat, not a fish. Maybe a snake, an iguana or a bat
- Change radically your haircut
- Buy clothes one generation ahead of you
- Get drunk twice a week (or more if you can handle it)
- Practice unsafe sex
- Become a TV sports maniac and subscribe all the paid channels you can imagine
- Same goes for porno
- Book vacations on places where you know things will happen (Ibiza, Amsterdam, etc..)
- If your boss asks anything just say you are getting divorced with that stupid face people expect you to do
- Buy a motorcycle
- If you really need a girlfriend, get a foreign one
- Know by heart all the places in town where quality whisky is cheap
- Get a second cell phone (if you're getting divorced you probably have one already)
- Make a divorce party that will make at least three of your friends to file divorce as well
- If someone asks you your civil status, just say the one that suits most the occasion
- Listen to annoying, repetitive music
While this list might appear as a very "I don't give a damn" list, this is the way people will see you as a divorced person. Even if you don't practice any of the ideas here displayed. So.. Just do it!
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Urban Fairy Tales - The Gambler
Once upon a time I met a Gambler. He was tall and handsome, just like those fancy, high-class suit individuals you see in the movies. Like any other gambler, he didn't miss a thing on his stereotype rendez-vous style. A genuine smile. Those smiles anyone can give another one back. It's impossible not to. And he knew he had that smile. Any girl would ever in any situation not smile to that pretty, charming and dazzling Gambler. You couldn't find a single piece of his hair out of place. A little white tissue would come out inches perfectly out of the pocket of his jacket. Could a girl ask for more?
It was a Saturday night. I was bored and lonely and decided to go out to do something. I remember I started driving randomly as I had no idea what to do whatsoever. The casino was just on the other side of the road. Why not? It's been years since I had go there the last time. I started with the traditional slot machines but got stuffed with it after five boring minutes. An old lady right next to me kept mumbling and whining about the fact that her machine was not giving her what was supposed to. Like if there was any science behind it. Anyways, it was just five minutes since I got in and I hadn't spent almost nothing so I decided to give a walk around. And then I saw him.
The game he was playing was some sort of horses race, where little plastic horses would go round one lap in a oval circuit, just like those you see in real life. You would bet an amount of chips in one horse, depending I suppose, on some information the little screen you had in front of you would give you on the horses. He was right in front of me. I could have positioned myself differently but I assume I wanted to stay right in front of him. His smile was in fact contagious. Like an hypnotic thing. You couldn't stop staring. I started to look to the persons he was looking at. The croupier and some other gentleman who was there. Apparently they knew each other from that horses table. The croupier was a woman in her 30's. She was like me, absolutely melted with all his charming attitude. And the moment came.
He finally looked me in the eyes. It looked like the ten most long seconds of my entire life. I looked at him for like four of five times and I thought he didn't noticed. But when he finally looked, I was damn sure he knew it. He definitely knew I looked at him before. After those ten seconds he left his seat and started to walk towards me. Well, I was not a teenager anymore to tremble in front of a man, so I gathered myself up really fast and pretended that was nothing with me, regardless the fact I knew he was about to do something. I'm sorry, he said. I did that face everyone does that says "Are you talking to me?" I believe your horse has just won the race. You have to click that button the get the prize, said the Gambler with that killing smile again. I looked at the little screen and yes, my horse had won the race. "Thank you" said I with a bit of shame. After all, I was trying to play the hard to get girl and he caught me just on the corner. Since it was my first time winning that game, I got a bit confused on which button I should hit to get my reward. "May I?" said the Gambler, now with a nurturing gaze. I didn't said a word. He clicked a button and a little receipt came out with my prize money. "I can see you have been here a lot lately." I said, "Not really, it's my first time." He replied: "Well, what a surprise. By the way you looked at me when I approached you, it seemed you had it all figured out." I decided to smile at this point. "Would you please take me to the place where I am supposed to go to get this prize money?" But of course, he said as he picked my arm to start walking with him.
And from here, there's not much to tell you about. We were both adults, both attractive, there isn't much to think about right? Well, not exactly. Everything went right till we got to my place. I offered him a drink, he accepted and we started talking again. At some point he asked me: "What's your biggest fear?" I stopped five seconds to think it over as it was something I never really thought about. I answered him I had never thought about it thoroughly, so I couldn't give him an answer right away. He leaned back and said: "Well, living with fear is what puts me everyday on the table. You know why?" I said no. "To find fear you need to find courage." After saying that, he left my place and said good night.
And I never saw that Gambler again. Forever and ever.
It was a Saturday night. I was bored and lonely and decided to go out to do something. I remember I started driving randomly as I had no idea what to do whatsoever. The casino was just on the other side of the road. Why not? It's been years since I had go there the last time. I started with the traditional slot machines but got stuffed with it after five boring minutes. An old lady right next to me kept mumbling and whining about the fact that her machine was not giving her what was supposed to. Like if there was any science behind it. Anyways, it was just five minutes since I got in and I hadn't spent almost nothing so I decided to give a walk around. And then I saw him.
The game he was playing was some sort of horses race, where little plastic horses would go round one lap in a oval circuit, just like those you see in real life. You would bet an amount of chips in one horse, depending I suppose, on some information the little screen you had in front of you would give you on the horses. He was right in front of me. I could have positioned myself differently but I assume I wanted to stay right in front of him. His smile was in fact contagious. Like an hypnotic thing. You couldn't stop staring. I started to look to the persons he was looking at. The croupier and some other gentleman who was there. Apparently they knew each other from that horses table. The croupier was a woman in her 30's. She was like me, absolutely melted with all his charming attitude. And the moment came.
He finally looked me in the eyes. It looked like the ten most long seconds of my entire life. I looked at him for like four of five times and I thought he didn't noticed. But when he finally looked, I was damn sure he knew it. He definitely knew I looked at him before. After those ten seconds he left his seat and started to walk towards me. Well, I was not a teenager anymore to tremble in front of a man, so I gathered myself up really fast and pretended that was nothing with me, regardless the fact I knew he was about to do something. I'm sorry, he said. I did that face everyone does that says "Are you talking to me?" I believe your horse has just won the race. You have to click that button the get the prize, said the Gambler with that killing smile again. I looked at the little screen and yes, my horse had won the race. "Thank you" said I with a bit of shame. After all, I was trying to play the hard to get girl and he caught me just on the corner. Since it was my first time winning that game, I got a bit confused on which button I should hit to get my reward. "May I?" said the Gambler, now with a nurturing gaze. I didn't said a word. He clicked a button and a little receipt came out with my prize money. "I can see you have been here a lot lately." I said, "Not really, it's my first time." He replied: "Well, what a surprise. By the way you looked at me when I approached you, it seemed you had it all figured out." I decided to smile at this point. "Would you please take me to the place where I am supposed to go to get this prize money?" But of course, he said as he picked my arm to start walking with him.
And from here, there's not much to tell you about. We were both adults, both attractive, there isn't much to think about right? Well, not exactly. Everything went right till we got to my place. I offered him a drink, he accepted and we started talking again. At some point he asked me: "What's your biggest fear?" I stopped five seconds to think it over as it was something I never really thought about. I answered him I had never thought about it thoroughly, so I couldn't give him an answer right away. He leaned back and said: "Well, living with fear is what puts me everyday on the table. You know why?" I said no. "To find fear you need to find courage." After saying that, he left my place and said good night.
And I never saw that Gambler again. Forever and ever.
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